To be entirely transparent, I genuinely believed I had already penned this piece. Yet, as I delved into the six years of archives on this blog, it became clear that I had never truly sat down to share the entirety of my mental health journey. While fragments and insights have appeared here and there, and I’ve certainly made no effort to conceal my experiences, presenting the narrative from start to finish—though I hesitate to use “finish” as mental health is an ongoing process, not a destination—remained undone. So, here I am, ready to open up.
Just this week, an “Ask Me Anything” session on Instagram sparked a profound inquiry regarding my struggles with anxiety. From that initial question, I invited you, my community, to share any other queries you might have about navigating life with anxiety. The questions poured in, far exceeding my expectations. I managed to answer about ten in short clips, but as the number rapidly approached fifty, I realized a more comprehensive approach was necessary than a series of 15-second Instagram stories. My intention with this post is to offer a detailed, albeit still focused, rendition of my mental health narrative, followed by answers to many of your pressing questions. While some questions were repetitive and others fall outside my scope of expertise, I will address those I can with honesty and personal experience. Let’s begin at the very beginning of this intricate journey.
Every individual’s mental health story fundamentally starts with the same biological foundation: a brain. In theory, each of us possesses one, and with it, an inherent baseline of mental health that requires diligent support and maintenance. Looking back at my formative years, while I certainly experienced moments of typical childhood fears and worries, my mental well-being was, for the most part, remarkably stable. However, I did get a poignant glimpse into what true anxiety and depression could feel like when I embarked on an exchange program abroad at the age of 15. For six weeks, I lived with a new family in an unfamiliar environment. At that young age, I lacked the emotional vocabulary and self-awareness to truly comprehend the depth of what I was experiencing, but in retrospect, I now recognize it as a period of significant depressive symptoms. It was a challenging and isolating time. Fortunately, upon my return home, I quickly reverted to my usual self, as if the experience had been a brief, intense, but ultimately passing shadow. I had tasted it, but I was okay, unaware of the deeper struggles that lay ahead.
The true genesis of my prolonged battle with mental health issues distinctly began during my inaugural year of college. Like countless 18-year-olds on the cusp of independence, eager to leave their caregivers’ homes, I was filled with an exhilarating sense of anticipation for college. I envisioned a vibrant new chapter, brimming with freedom, new friendships, and intellectual growth. A new chapter indeed commenced, but it diverged dramatically from the idyllic narrative I had meticulously crafted in my mind.
I naively believed that living independently, forging new connections, and managing the academic rigor of a university workload would be an effortless transition. For some, it genuinely is. However, for me, this monumental shift proved overwhelmingly difficult. Instead of seeking support or voicing my struggles, I retreated deep within myself. My days and nights were largely spent in isolation, a stark contrast to my usually outgoing nature. While there were fleeting moments of fun and connection, the pervasive emotions were profound loneliness, intense isolation, and a debilitating sense of fear. The only semblance of control I felt I could exert over my spiraling emotions was through an extraordinarily rigid schedule. My days were a monotonous loop: waking before dawn, consuming the same breakfast alone in my room, attending classes, burying myself in the library, eating dinner quickly at a quiet cafe, and then returning to my residence hall in time for an early bedtime. Academically, I excelled, becoming a diligent and high-achieving student. Yet, the vibrant, sociable, and spontaneous person I once was had become virtually unrecognizable, even to myself.
One of the insidious characteristics of both anxiety and depression is their remarkable capacity for concealment. When I found myself in the company of friends and family, I expertly constructed a façade, pretending that every aspect of my life was perfectly normal and that I was thriving. When I wasn’t directly interacting with them, the individuals who populated my immediate college environment often misconstrued my behavior. They assumed I was simply exceptionally busy, perhaps uninterested in social engagement, or even inherently unfriendly. No one, not a single person, truly grasped the tempest raging within my mind. And, perhaps most significantly, the harrowing truth was that I myself had no clear understanding of the turmoil that had taken root in my own head.
As the intense period of final exams approached in December of my freshman year, the emotional dam finally broke. I found myself weeping uncontrollably in a bustling coffee shop, enveloped by an almost surreal, out-of-body experience. I distinctly remember looking down upon myself, observing this distraught person, and feeling a profound sense of not recognizing who I had become. A powerful, undeniable intuition told me that something was deeply wrong, but the exact nature of that ‘wrongness’ remained elusive. I returned home for Christmas break, a period typically filled with joy and connection. As my high school friends enthusiastically recounted tales of their new universities and the exciting friendships they had cultivated, I maintained my charade, feigning similar experiences. The initial months of college, which had felt so alien and difficult, became a source of intense self-blame. It appeared that everyone else had effortlessly navigated the transition, leaving me feeling uniquely inadequate and fundamentally flawed.
Upon my reluctant return to school in January, I clung to a desperate hope for a fresh start, a chance to reset and find my footing. However, as the harsh, unforgiving Montreal winter settled in, bringing with it frigid temperatures and an increasingly demanding academic workload, my already rigid schedule became even more constricting and unyielding. I began an obsessive regimen of daily workouts, and my relationship with food became fraught with anxiety and control issues. My mornings started at an ungodly 6:00 AM, dedicated to studying, and the rest of my day was a relentless cycle of moving between the library, various coffee shops, and the gym. While I did manage to forge a few friendships during this period, most of these individuals shared my profound discontent with school. Consequently, we spent a significant amount of time together, commiserating and wallowing in our collective sorrows, an environment that inadvertently reinforced our negative experiences. Predictably, almost all of these friends eventually decided to transfer to other institutions, leaving me feeling even more isolated.
At some point during that challenging period, a crucial realization finally dawned upon me: I couldn’t possibly confront and overcome what was happening to me entirely on my own. The understanding crystallized that I desperately needed professional help. I am eternally grateful to that 18-year-old version of myself for making what would prove to be one of the most pivotal and sagacious decisions of my entire life: I reached out and contacted my university’s mental health services. This single act of courage was the true turning point.
My university, thankfully, had a robust and accessible system designed to connect students with counselors and therapists. This is an invaluable resource that I sincerely hope every educational institution now offers, because I can say with absolute certainty that the trajectory of my life would be dramatically different if I had not had immediate access to such support. While the very first therapist I consulted was not the ultimate savior I needed, I persevered, seeing two others until I finally found a mental health professional with whom I felt a profound sense of trust and connection. This empathetic therapist ultimately diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. Together, we meticulously charted a comprehensive plan to help me better acclimate to the demands of university life and, more importantly, to regain control over my mental health. This diagnosis, far from being a label, was a crucial first step towards understanding and healing, providing validation and a clear path forward.
Oh, how I wish I could simply declare that my story concluded there, that it has been smooth sailing and unwavering well-being ever since. Spoiler alert: that has absolutely not been the case. This truth resonates deeply with anyone navigating mental health challenges: it is unequivocally a journey, replete with twists, turns, and unexpected detours, rather than a fixed destination. In conjunction with ongoing therapy, I eventually began seeing a psychiatrist. Together, we decided that incorporating medication into my treatment plan for anxiety and depression was the right path forward. It was not, by any stretch of the imagination, a magic pill that instantly eradicated all my struggles. It required a significant amount of experimentation, patience, and adjustment to find the right combination and dosage. However, at that critical juncture in my life, it provided an essential layer of support, and I desperately needed every ounce of help I could get to stabilize and begin rebuilding.
Through the consistent efforts of therapy, the supportive effects of medication, and a conscious commitment to significant lifestyle adjustments, I was not only able to successfully complete that challenging winter semester but also found the strength and clarity to return to school the following fall. Despite these positive steps, I still grappled with profound feelings of isolation and a deep sense of shame surrounding my anxiety and depression. Consequently, only a very small, trusted circle of people were aware of the internal battles I was fighting. In retrospect, I often reflect on this period with a tinge of regret, wishing I had been far more open and transparent about my struggles. I am now certain that I was not the only one in my immediate environment wrestling with similar mental health challenges, and perhaps, by sharing, I could have found solidarity and offered comfort to others.
Since that initial challenging experience in college, my mental health journey has been characterized by numerous ups and downs, much like a fluctuating tide. There have been fortunate periods, sometimes extending for years, entirely devoid of depressive symptoms, although anxiety, in its various manifestations, has proven to be a far more frequent companion. This ongoing reality means I continue to take medication, having switched formulations a few times over the years to find the most effective and tolerable options. I’ve also diligently implemented a multitude of lifestyle changes that consistently support my well-being and, crucially, I have invested considerable effort in understanding and identifying my personal triggers. Moreover, I have become immeasurably more transparent and open about my struggles, finding profound comfort and strength in the knowledge that I am unequivocally not alone in this experience. There’s a widely held belief that one of the most potent ways to facilitate one’s own healing is by extending help and understanding to others, and I have unequivocally found this to be true in my own journey.
For an extended period, I carried a significant burden of shame, a deep-seated internal conflict stemming from my professional identity in the health and wellness space while simultaneously relying on medication for my mental health. I harbored a persistent fear that if people within my industry, or my followers, discovered I was on medication, they would inevitably judge me, perceiving it as a contradiction or a failure. This internalized stigma weighed heavily on me. However, as I gradually began to share more openly about my experiences, I was met with an overwhelmingly supportive and understanding response from most people, with only a very small minority offering negative comments. This shift in perception has been transformative. I have also had to embark on a vital journey of self-acceptance, coming to terms with the very real possibility that managing anxiety and depression may be a lifelong endeavor, and that continuing medication could also be a permanent aspect of my self-care routine. This acceptance has brought a surprising sense of peace.
But here lies the essential truth, a realization that has profoundly reshaped my perspective: my medication serves as the fundamental bedrock that *enables* me to consistently engage in all the lifestyle habits and practices essential for effectively managing my anxiety and depression. I have, on previous occasions, attempted to discontinue my medication, striving to manage my mental well-being entirely through holistic methods alone. While there is immense value in holistic approaches, frankly, without the foundational support of medication, the daily effort required to maintain my mental equilibrium felt like an exhausting, full-time occupation. I wasn’t truly living my life; I was merely constantly managing it, perpetually on guard against the next wave of symptoms. This experience unequivocally demonstrated the indispensable role medication plays in my overall well-being, allowing me to thrive rather than just survive.
So, here I stand today, ten years into this deeply personal and often challenging journey, and I feel profoundly confident and secure in who I am. Yes, I openly acknowledge that I live with anxiety and depression. And yes, I am inherently more susceptible to facing ongoing challenges with my mental health. However, these diagnoses do not define the entirety of my being. I am also, simultaneously, a tenacious and successful business owner, a devoted wife, a loving dog mom, a cherished daughter, a loyal friend, and, fundamentally, a resilient human being. I recognize that not everyone experiences mental health management with the level of functional effectiveness that I have achieved. I am incredibly fortunate to be able to manage my symptoms effectively and, crucially, to thrive despite my diagnoses. For this profound ability to navigate and find joy within my life, I am truly and deeply grateful. And honestly, looking back, I wouldn’t change a single aspect of the path I’ve walked, for it has shaped the strong, empathetic, and authentic person I am today.
YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED: Navigating Life with Anxiety and Depression
What makes you anxious?
As someone diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), I frequently contend with an overwhelming and pervasive sense of worry that often Fixates on matters others might perceive as minor or insignificant. My anxiety is deeply rooted in a profound feeling that things are often beyond my control—a truth that is difficult to accept, even when rationally acknowledged. This manifests as a constant internal struggle to ‘get a handle’ on situations, even when they are inherently unmanageable. Beyond this general apprehension, I also have several specific triggers that can intensify my anxiety significantly. Driving or being a passenger in cars is a major one, often invoking disproportionate fear. The thought of losing loved ones is another potent trigger, as is the fear of failure in personal and professional aspects of life. In the past, I also wrestled intensely with social anxiety, issues related to food and eating, and anxiety surrounding travel, particularly being away from the comforting familiarity of home, though not specifically fear of flying. I am proud to say that I have successfully worked through and largely overcome many of these specific challenges through consistent therapeutic effort and self-awareness.
What is your best anxiety relief tip?
Without a doubt, my foremost and most crucial anxiety relief tip is to seek professional guidance. If you are not currently engaged in conversations with a mental health professional—be it a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist—I wholeheartedly recommend that you take that initial step. Establishing a relationship with a qualified expert provides a safe and structured environment to explore your anxieties, understand their roots, and develop personalized coping mechanisms. From this foundational support, you can then collaboratively work on identifying and implementing specific relief practices and strategies that are most effective and beneficial for your individual needs. Professional insight is truly a game-changer.
What type of doctor is best to see when it comes to anxiety?
The landscape of mental health professionals is rich and diverse, offering many avenues for support. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to begin, a sensible first step is often to consult your primary care physician (PCP). Your PCP can provide an initial assessment, rule out any underlying physical conditions that might mimic anxiety symptoms, and, crucially, offer referrals to mental health specialists in your area. They can also, in some cases, provide immediate relief options or guidance. Beyond your PCP, `PsychologyToday.com` is an excellent online resource for locating qualified therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists. This platform allows you to filter by location, specialization, insurance, and even specific therapeutic approaches. When searching, you might find professionals who specialize in particular techniques for anxiety or depression, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Exposure Therapy, which can be incredibly beneficial. However, if you’re uncertain about which specialization might be best, starting with a general therapist can be a fantastic way to begin your journey. Be open to exploring different professionals and approaches, as finding the right fit is often a process of trial and error, and trust that the right path will reveal itself as you move forward.
What methods have you tried throughout the years that have been the most helpful?
Reflecting on my decade-long journey, medication unequivocally sits at the pinnacle of the most helpful interventions for managing my anxiety and depression. It has provided a stable foundation that allows other practices to be effective. Beyond medication, a range of lifestyle habits has proven immensely valuable. Regular yoga practice offers a unique blend of physical movement, breath awareness, and mindfulness that significantly reduces my stress and anxiety. Meditation, even in short bursts, helps to calm my racing thoughts and cultivate a sense of presence. Deep breathing exercises are my go-to for immediate relief during acute anxious moments. Journaling serves as a powerful outlet for processing thoughts and emotions, helping me externalize worries and gain perspective. Consistently talking to a trusted therapist or supportive individuals is essential for ongoing processing and insight. Lastly, the judicious use of CBD, often with a small amount of THC where legal, has also offered a noticeable calming effect. Conversely, while generally beneficial for overall health, certain approaches haven’t directly alleviated my anxiety symptoms: taking various supplements (though I take them for general health, none have specifically targeted anxiety), general exercise beyond yoga (while good for mood, it doesn’t always address specific anxiety mechanisms for me), and restrictive diet changes.
What do you do to provide immediate anxiety relief?
While many of the practices I’ve mentioned contribute to the long-term maintenance of my mental health, when I’m in the throes of a major anxious moment or an acute anxiety attack, two strategies consistently rise to the top for providing immediate relief: deep breathing and talking to someone. Deep breathing is incredibly powerful because it directly activates the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling to my body that it’s safe to calm down. I focus on slow, deliberate inhales and even longer exhales, often counting to ground myself. I am incredibly fortunate to have a wonderfully supportive partner who, over the years, has learned precisely how to help me navigate these intense moments. His calm presence and gentle reminders are invaluable. During these episodes, he (and I often have to remind myself) helps me remember that “I am not the emotion I am feeling.” This detachment is crucial. Furthermore, identifying precisely what I am feeling and, importantly, where I am feeling it physically within my body—whether it’s a tight chest, churning stomach, or tense shoulders—can provide a profound sense of control over an otherwise overwhelming situation. This combination of physiological regulation and external validation creates a vital pathway back to calm.
Are medications the best long-term solution, or can they be replaced with holistic methods?
This is a deeply personal and nuanced question, and the answer is entirely dependent on the individual. For me, personally, medication has not been a replacement for holistic practices; rather, it has been an essential enabler. It has provided the crucial stability and baseline mental clarity that allows me to consistently engage in the holistic practices—such as yoga, meditation, and healthy lifestyle choices—without those practices feeling like an insurmountable burden or a constant uphill battle. Without medication, I found that managing my mental well-being consumed an inordinate amount of my energy, feeling like a relentless full-time job. I wasn’t truly living; I was constantly just managing my symptoms. My personal philosophy now is that the simpler and more manageable I can make my life, the less anxious I tend to be. Ultimately, the decision regarding medication and holistic methods, and how they integrate into your care, is a choice only you, in consultation with your healthcare providers, can make. It’s about finding what works best for *you* and your unique needs. #YOUDOYOU.
How do you slow racing thoughts?
The most effective strategy I’ve discovered for slowing racing thoughts is to actively externalize them—to literally get them out of my head. My primary methods for achieving this are writing them down and talking them out with a trusted person. When I commit these swirling thoughts to paper, whether through journaling or simply scribbling, they immediately lose some of their power and intensity. The act of seeing them written down provides a different perspective. Similarly, articulating them verbally to a sympathetic listener helps to untangle their complex web. Through this process of externalization, I often gain a crucial realization: many of these racing thoughts, when brought into the light, are actually not rooted in reality or are disproportionate to the actual circumstances. This allows me to challenge their validity and begin to dismiss them, thereby gradually calming the internal chaos.
What do you do on the hardest days?
On my hardest days, my primary strategy is to allow myself the grace and space to “feel my feels.” Instead of trying to suppress or ignore the intense emotions, I acknowledge them. This often involves openly talking out what I’m experiencing with my partner or a close friend, writing down every thought and feeling in my journal without judgment, or moving through a gentle, grounding yoga flow. Physical movement, even light stretching, can sometimes help shift stagnant energy and provide a sense of release. While there are days when being busy and engaging with others can be helpful as a distraction, I’ve learned that on the *absolute* hardest days, I’m usually not capable of or up for that kind of social effort. My main piece of advice is to meet yourself where you are. Take each difficult day as it comes, practice self-compassion, and prioritize whatever form of self-care genuinely feels supportive in that moment, even if it’s just resting and allowing the emotions to pass.
Have you looked into CBD oil?
Yes, I have definitely explored CBD oil, and I’ve found it can be quite beneficial! My personal experience suggests that to be truly effective for anxiety relief, it often needs to be taken at a relatively high dosage. Furthermore, I’ve found that consuming CBD in conjunction with a small amount of THC significantly enhances its effectiveness for me, as the synergy between the cannabinoids seems to ‘activate’ its calming properties. It’s important to note that this combination is legal where I reside in California. The legal landscape for cannabis products varies widely, so it’s always crucial to be aware of and abide by local regulations. I plan to delve into more detail about my experiences with CBD and THC in a future post, as it’s a topic with many facets.
How were you diagnosed?
My initial diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression came from a licensed therapist, as I mentioned earlier in my story. This was after I had seen several different therapists in my search for the right fit. Following this initial diagnosis and some months of talk therapy, I transitioned to seeing a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist specialized not only in medication management but also incorporated talk therapy into our sessions. I found this dual approach incredibly beneficial, as it provided me with a mental health professional who could both offer a safe space for verbal processing and thoughtfully manage my medication regimen, ensuring comprehensive and integrated care.
What meds are you on?
Currently, I am on Lexapro, which is known as Cipralex in Canada. Over the years, in my journey to find the right medication and dosage, I have also taken other antidepressants, including Prozac and Wellbutrin, and one other that I can’t quite recall the name of at this moment. The process of finding the right medication is often one of trial and error, working closely with a psychiatrist to monitor effects and side effects.
Have you found a way to avoid using meds or reduce them?
No, I haven’t found a sustainable way to entirely avoid or significantly reduce my medication long-term. I have attempted to come off my medication twice. The first instance was for a period of about a year and a half, which initially felt positive and sustainable. However, that stability eventually eroded. I tried again more recently, and after both attempts to discontinue medication, I experienced significant depressive episodes. Through these experiences, I’ve come to a crucial understanding: while my medication helps with anxiety, I truly believe it is even more effective and essential for managing my depression. I currently take a very low dose, which, combined with my lifestyle habits and therapy, works incredibly well for me, allowing me to live a full and vibrant life without being overwhelmed by my mental health challenges.
How do you know if your medication dose is right?
Determining the correct medication dose is primarily a process of trial and error, undertaken in close collaboration with your prescribing doctor. It requires active participation and self-monitoring. I highly recommend keeping detailed notes about how you are feeling each day, noting any changes in your mood, energy levels, anxiety symptoms, and sleep patterns. Equally important is to meticulously track any side effects you might experience, no matter how minor they seem. It’s crucial to be open, honest, and completely transparent with your doctor about all these observations. Remember, your doctor’s ultimate goal is for you to feel better and achieve optimal well-being. By providing them with comprehensive and accurate feedback, you empower them to make the most informed decisions about adjusting your dosage or trying alternative medications, guiding you towards the most effective treatment plan.
Have you lost friends due to your anxiety and depression? If so, how do you go back?
Yes, unfortunately, I have lost some friends due to my struggles with anxiety and depression. While not a large number, there have been a few instances where relationships simply couldn’t withstand the impact of my mental health challenges. To be truthful, I haven’t gone back to those friendships. My philosophy now revolves around intentionally filling my life with individuals who genuinely understand, support, and uplift me. When someone is unable to be present or offer empathy during such a profoundly challenging period in my life, it leads me to question whether they possess the qualities I truly seek in long-term relationships. It’s a difficult realization, but ultimately, it’s about prioritizing my own well-being and surrounding myself with a truly supportive network.
As a parent of a college student, how can I tell if my child is struggling with anxiety?
This is indeed a tricky and sensitive question, and I want to preface my answer by saying I’m not a mental health professional qualified to give diagnostic advice. However, based on my personal experience, I believe one of the simplest and most powerful ways to gauge your child’s well-being is to just ask. Initiate an open-ended conversation. Ask them how they are genuinely doing, beyond superficial pleasantries. Inquire specifically if they’ve found the transition to college particularly difficult, as this was a major trigger for me. Delve into their daily routine—what does a typical day look like? How are they spending their time? Ask about the friends they’ve made and their social interactions. Of course, a college student, like anyone, can choose to conceal their true feelings, but creating an environment where they feel absolutely safe to share, knowing they won’t be judged or criticized, can go an immensely long way. Emphasize that your primary concern is their well-being and that you are there to listen and support, no matter what they’re going through.
Do you run into discrimination/stigma when people find out you take meds?
The experience with discrimination and stigma when people discover I take medication for my mental health has been a mixed bag, a nuanced blend of “yes” and “no.” On occasion, I have encountered individuals who are quick to challenge my decision, sometimes implying that medication is a weakness or that I should be able to manage my health through “natural” means alone. This judgmental perspective can be disheartening. For a long time, particularly given that my business operates within the health and wellness community, I was very hesitant to talk about my medication precisely for fear of such judgment and potential professional repercussions. However, as I’ve gradually opened up and shared more of my story, I’ve made two incredibly important discoveries: a) I am absolutely not alone in my experiences; countless others in similar fields and walks of life also rely on medication and various forms of support. b) Health, and our individual health choices, manifest so uniquely for every single person. To pass judgment on another person’s deeply personal health decisions ultimately reflects more on the judger’s biases and lack of understanding than it does on me or my choices. This realization has been incredibly liberating, empowering me to own my journey without shame.
That being said, I want to express my profound appreciation to all of you who consistently help maintain this post and this blog as a positive, empathetic, and safe space for anyone navigating mental health struggles. I want you to know, unequivocally, that you can always turn to this community for unwavering support and understanding. However, I maintain a strict zero-tolerance policy when it comes to judging or criticizing others’ personal health choices. Thank you wholeheartedly for your understanding, your compassion, and for contributing to such a vital and accepting environment.
Photos by: Bettina Bogar